Before I dive into what I slightly have mapped out in my mind for tonight’s read, I want to make a comment… I find it ironically comedic that the mass majority of those who follow me requested to hear relationship advice from me. haha. I will not go into a long list of pitfalls with past relationships, I’m sure I will receive a handful of messages from women in my past that might beg to differ on what I have to say.
In that sense, I write this blog tonight completely open and willing to let it out. Get brutally honest. Maybe it will flow out poetically like a Bon Iver jam session at AIR Studios. Or maybe it comes out like absolute dog shit and I shall wake up tomorrow and live another day.
I will start by saying I often find my own relationships and experiences to be great lessons that should be shared. This might sound crazy, but, I feel like I am the real life Hitch mixed with Good Luck Chuck. Haha… You can laugh. I have fucked up so many relationships in fact, that I feel as if I can give the greatest insight and introspective on love and relationships, but often find myself battling the same words I speak. Sounds a lot like the story line of Hitch… Oh, and the Good Luck Chuck… Well, all of the serious girlfriends I have had in the past are now madly in love with who I assume they will all marry. I am sure a few of you can relate to that.
With going on what I feel I should write this evening instead of just telling you what to do, I will share some of my personal love life and tie it all in at the end. I feel a lot of those who read this will receive great benefit from my own mishaps.
I fell in love. Like madly, in love. I have never felt a stronger feeling in my entire life. Rather harmonic in nature, and it was like that for a long time. Time presented challenges, we overcame, and more obstacles arose. I walked away. She wanted to be alone. I ran back, she pushed me. I wanted her back. Time had passed, we both had changed. She wanted to come back. She came back. I said go. She never came back.
I really hope you can follow that. Explaining that relationship is a wormhole in itself and I will refrain for the sake of tonights purpose.
I was fucked up. My mind way absolutely in the gutter. I stopped eating, working out, and talking to people. All I wanted to do was be a hermit and run from my problems. All along, the problems I thought I had with my ex, were actually issues I had with myself that I had yet to overcome. I couldn’t let go of the ego attachment of why things couldn’t be, because I couldn’t forgive myself for similar things I could not grant forgiveness to in her. Messed up, I know.
Sounds selfish, but it was the right move. Don’t get me wrong, it took a long time to let go. Recently is when I felt that complete relief of attachment. It felt so good. She had already moved on and fell in love, and I was just letting go. No one knew this. Only me. I knew I still had demons when introduced to women in new relationships. I often voiced my honest stance to women who I dated. I was up front about still not being in a place to fully dive in but was willing to build a trust in friendship.
It’s funny, there are actually a few women who I fell for while I put a label on myself of being closed off to love. Those women disappeared quickly soon realizing I was a weak man simply falling in love because I needed someone to fill the hole left from my ex. I was fucking needy. Weak. I had no confidence in myself and would try to mask such feeling with being overly masculine. I wanted to be a renegade loser that definitely lived by his compass but that compass gave zero fucks about anyone in my inner circle. I would often ask myself, why?
Why do these women not want to be with me?
Duh, dude. You’re weak. Damaged. A loser. You’re not complete, stop saying you are. This is a valuable lesson we all can gain insight on… The big reason the dating, love culture is so messed up right now is because there are damaged people latching on without making repairs.
So, sorry to the handful of women I have dated in the last couple years, I have been making repairs. This does not justify my actions though, I take full responsibility for all hurt and pain I have caused.
I want this to be a learning moment for anyone reading that finds, or has found themselves in a similar situation. If you’re broke, it’s okay to admit it. It’s okay to say you’re messed up, that you’re not ready. What’s not okay, is feeling these things and trying to involve others by seducing them with love. I have done such and it pains me to have to admit that, but, this is when the blog turns from negative to positive.
Up until recently I closed myself off completely from love. Like, fffff that shit. That love shit, yeah, like I LOVE life, and my family, and wrestling, and training, and doing what I love, but like love as in love another person? haha yeah right that is not for me.
This is where the light begins to shine. I have recently come to an amazing self discovery. Yes, I have fucked up, a lot. Yes, I have made a lot of the right decisions, and yes, I have had some amazing women set the bar and standard for future women extremely high. Those relationships were a hell of a lot of good too, don’t let me downplay such.
I bet you have had some shitty past relationships as well. I also bet you have had some really good relationships with shitty memories. I know I am not alone in this journey. That’s what I love about life, we really aren’t that different from one another.
We all face similar challenges, battles, and adversities. Those who prevail, level up. Some stay at the same place for awhile, then finally breakthrough. Others are hungry from the start. In either case, along the way we all will be faced with relationship problems. That’s just life. The thing I love most about all the times I have messed up, done right, and grew a little, is the fact that every new relationship that I start from today on, I know I am far better than the man I was in my past.
Every relationship that happens from here on for forever will continually bring your best self to that relationship. There is so much beauty when you fully can let go of your past and know in your heart that even the love that may have caused a lot of pain, it will now serve as markers to steer clear of any signs of red flags rooted to protect your true self.
That’s freedom. And that’s what I simply want for everyone who requested to have me share some thoughts about love. Freedom from that resistance that is holding you the fuck back from breaking through financially, spiritually, and in the relationships in your life.
Letting go of resistance might mean getting your shit together, stop drinking, smoking weed and doing drugs. Get your sorry ass to the gym and workout. No one besides you, and the few people in your life that really don’t want you to win are the ones sitting there letting this happen and encouraging or often participating in such activities. If there is a slight voice that something isn’t right, LISTEN TO THAT VOICE.
I am incredibly grateful I listened to the voice to tell me to let go of the only woman I have ever truly loved. It led me to the man who I was waiting to truly love, that man, was me.
It didn’t happen overnight. You won’t be able to just cut people off that you love. With time, as you gain greater self awareness, you will realize your own self worth and cannot settle for anything less. Everything you have experienced up to now has prepared you to deliver the best version of yourself in future relationships.
For you ladies, he’s out there. Be patient. Build yourself. Ask yourself the hard questions, make the repairs, do your thing, and you will attract what is meant to be…
Oh yeah, and the whole Hitch and Good Luck Chuck thing, I am pretty sure they both ended up finding true love. I got faith. She’s out there ;)
4 For 30.